Slow Down

Growing up, I was the youngest. My only brother is 7 years older than me, and I am the youngest of 5 cousins. Obviously, there are a lot of negative perceptions (is that the word I’m looking for?) surrounding the “youngest.” The youngest is usually viewed as the one who is most spoiled and gets away with everything. There may be some anecdotal evidence that suggests that, but who knows. Being the youngest, I remember always wanting to be on the same playing field as those at least a half a decade ahead of me. When I was 5, I wanted to be a teenager. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a young 20-something. In my early-20s, I wanted to be 30. Now in my late-20s, I finally feel content where I am and actually feel the opposite desires kicking in of wanting to slow my aging down. My hair’s thinning, my metabolism is noticeably slower, and I actually get sore randomly. I would kind of like my life to slow down a bit. I’m still young by the standard of many, but I am still much different than I was when I was 20. I have observed a few deceptive/unhealthy ways of thinking in myself growing up and so I would like to shed some light on them.

When you’re young, people don’t take you seriously. This bothered me.

Growing up, and until the last couple years, I always wanted to be older because I thought only then would people take me seriously. I think there’s actually a lot of truth in saying that a lot of adults don’t take youth very seriously. I didn’t like that. This bothered me. Far too much. It created discontentment in me. It made me want to rush to the next step. This pattern of thinking carried through into adulthood.  I would reach a benchmark, thinking then I would be content, but I wasn’t. I was always looking to the next one.

This is Vanity

Theresa and I got married when we were in High School. Once we were married, career became the focus for me, so it was “go to college, and join the military to pay for it, because you’re too good to spend the first 2 years in Community College.” Once I was a Freshman in college, I wanted to be a Senior. Once I was a Senior, I wanted to be a grad student. Once I was a grad student, I wanted to be a professional. Once I was a professional, I thought gee, this actually kinda sucks. You mean I have to work 40+ hours a week with maybe two weeks off a whole year (if I’m lucky), and 95% of this money goes towards stuff that doesn’t bring me any enjoyment? And I have to do this for at least 40 years and then spend my last 10-15 years of life with the freedom to do anything I want at a time in my life when I’m least able to enjoy it (to paraphrase John Piper)? Sounds kinda funny when you say it in that way, but there’s actually a lot of truth to it. It’s not pessisimism, it’s just sort of the way the world works. You don’t have to try to think positively and say, “this is great,” when no, maybe it actually isn’t. It’s a pretty evil thing to pretend everything is great, when it actually isn’t. You can fake that positivity for a little while, but eventually that bubble is going to burst and you will find yourself lost and depressed. I could retire and then die within a year. It happens. Everyday.

Ok, now what then? Is that it? For some it is. For the non-Christian, that’s as good as life will ever be. Good times will still be had in the midst of life. But for the Christian, this life is as bad as it gets, and that’s comforting. Now don’t get me wrong, God intended for us to work and work was good at one time and will again be redeemed, so work is not an evil thing. It has simply become cursed as a result of the Fall. There are some days, even now though, where I find work rewarding. It’s not all bad, all the time. However, in this world there is both good experiences and awful experiences happening at the same time. One person is happy about their promotion, and some place else another is grieving the loss of a loved one. In one place a couple is getting married, and somewhere else, at the exact same time, a couple is getting a divorce. Somewhere, somebody is eating a big steak, and somewhere else, someone is starving to death. There is the ability to experience great pleasure and joy in this life as well as great suffering and depression.

In Summary

If you find yourself to be like me in always looking to the next thing (a wedding, a big move, a promotion, a bigger house, a stronger max on bench press, etc.); try to slow down. Maybe not on your own power, but with God’s help. If you’re regularly thinking, “If I could just get through/beyond X and get to Y, life would be great” then you may have an unhealthy pattern of thinking. How long can you go without changing a job, or moving, or having another kid, or XYZ? Do you willingly change major life circumstances every 6 months or a year? I believe this is a very big deal. In my own experience and in witnessing this in others, you set yourself up for a lot of heartache. You will find yourself disappointed frequently and in seasons of self-pity. It’s vanity and pride at the heart of it. I speak to myself in this as well. I really don’t like cliche’s, but there’s the old adage “The grass is always greener on the other side.” And then people get all crafty and say things like “The grass is green where you water it.” I get what they’re trying to say, but it’s too bumper-stickery for me.

I have had to learn to slow down a bit. I live in an apartment right now and some days I’ll admit, it gets to me. I look forward to living in a house again, but I actually feel fairly content. Who says I can’t just enjoy and rest in my current season? Having a house isn’t really going to be that great, especially after the freshness wears off. I think Jesus has really been doing a work in me. I love my job, even though it’s not where I “pictured myself” in my younger days. I have enough to pay my bills, but I’m not going to afford Disney World anytime soon. I don’t think The reason I feel content is because I have finally made it, or arrived at some desired benchmark. I think it’s just something Jesus has done in me. You can be content, even without circumstances changing, if the Holy Spirit does a work in you. You don’t have to wait for them to change. There’s nothing otherworldly about waiting on your circumstances to change before you can be content. I’m no longer anxious at night. I fall asleep in about 3 minutes. I know I am where I’m supposed to be and my wife actually “likes me” again. I don’t feel content because everything in my life is all buttoned-up and easy. I could write a couple more paragraphs about things that are currently difficult. I also don’t feel content because I’m trying to think positively and see the glass as half-full. I just know there is something greater, beyond the grave and it wasn’t flesh and blood that revealed this to me (Matt. 16:17). Life doesn’t have to suck all the time, even when it sucks all the time.