Parenting Lesson #341

Parenting has many challenges. We are all thrust into it, basically without any training, and many people are just simply armed with poor examples from their own childhood. It’s basically a trial-by-fire situation that we find ourselves in. Beyond just the normal, carnal instincts that kick-in, there is very little instinct when it comes to disciplining appropriately (and effectively), helping your kids through emotional and social issues, coaching and leading them and helping them process through things as they come up, instilling character, etc. A lot of us simply draw from the arsenal of techniques and ways used by our parents or parent-figures (good or bad). With a now 8 and 9 year-old, I am confronted with these issues everyday. Are my expectations for them too high? Am I being too strict or not strict enough? Should I use more positive reinforcement this time around or would negative reinforcement be better? Am I giving them the right advice? Do I show them enough affection or tell them I’m proud of them and love them often enough? Do they respect me? Am I really setting a good example as far as showing them what being a true disciple of Jesus looks like? Am I doing a good job at demonstrating to them that Jesus is my treasure and not my job, my hobbies, my possessions, the way I handle suffering as it comes up, etc.? It’s a job that requires a lot of discernment and a lot of grace. It’s often daunting.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to see adults as people who really seemed to have things together and always knew what to do. Now as an adult with kids, it is obvious I was giving adults more credit than they deserved! We don’t have it all together and it’s somewhat true that we are all just kids in adults clothes. I mean think about it, what tendencies or behaviors do we revert to when we don’t get our way or when we’re tired, hungry, or angry? Maybe you still feel a little jumpy if you have to walk across your house when it’s completely dark? If there’s one thing I have learned since being a parent, I am sunk without grace and just straight divine intervention. That’s an extremely cliche thing to say, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I need real Wisdom, not earthly wisdom. I need the power of the Holy Spirit, not the power of my flesh. I need real in-the-moment discernment, not just logic or sheer human faculties.

With all that said, here’s just one thing I’ve recently learned and have put it in my tool belt. I’ve realized that I don’t just have to lean on my own God-given authority when it comes to training/coaching/leading my kids or addressing issues as they come up. I can lean on God’s Sovereign authority over not just me and my kids, but everything. I have one, recent example of what I mean and then I will end this post. Last week, I picked the kids up from school and as I usually do, I asked them how their day went. They gave a few of their normal responses and then one of them mentioned a particular kid who was mean again that day. They have brought this person up before and it’s always to say how mean they are to them and to other kids. My kids then proceed to start bashing the kid and slandering them—holding nothing back. They just straight up let their words fly without any filters or reservations. In the moment, if I’m honest, I had to force myself to not be lazy at the end of the day and try to help them process the situation and walk through it with them so they could view it rightly and also honor Jesus in their response to it. The kid they were talking about probably is a legitimately “mean” kid, but I wanted to train them how to properly deal with sinful people in their everyday lives.

So I start rattling off some advice. Hey, although that kid was a jerk to you guys and is most of the time, let’s not sit around and just start bashing them and roasting them. You guys should choose your words carefully and realize that your words are weighty and should not just be used casually. I say something about how our words can inflict a lot of damage and do a lot of pain, that our tongues are actually very powerful although they are of little account. So they kind of say, yeah, yeah, yeah, we know Dad. I could tell they were thinking: This is just Dad speaking here. And I think they respected my authority on the subject to a degree, but it didn’t quite have the impact that I think it needed. In my mind, I had been drawing all my instruction from James 3. So the instruction I was giving them wasn’t just my words, but they were God’s words in Scripture, on his Authority. I felt a little nudge to mention that to them (since I could tell it wasn’t really sinking in deep enough) that hey, these aren’t just Daddy’s words, these are God’s words. So I busted out my phone and went to James 3 and began reading it to them:

“2 For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.
3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well.
4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.
5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!
6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.
7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind,
8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.
10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.
11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water?
12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.” – James 3:2-12

Not only is James 3:2-12 a very practical set of verses with just straight-up, sound wisdom, it also has a lot of good imagery that catches a kid’s attention; like Fire, and horses, and ships, and animals, and fig trees, etc. And as I was reading it I could see it sinking into them deeper and carrying more authority with it, and there was a visible change in their demeanor and body language. It was encouraging. It left a bit deeper impression on them than our normal “coachable” moments together and it was then that I thought to myself, “why don’t I bust out the Bible when it comes to parenting them, more often?” It not only made it easier for me, but it was also more effective than if I had just merely done it on my own and backed it with my own authority. And not only that, I want them to be going to their Bibles (myself included) regularly as “life” happens. I can assure you, leaning on scripture when it comes to my parenting will certainly be a new tool in my arsenal. It not only lightens the burden on a parent, it is more effective than anything parents can try to accomplish through their own abilities and faculties. We can give the Bible functional authority in our lives!